As a nation we love nothing more than children on the silver screen, acting adorable for just long enough to let us forget our troubles. Actually, that’s not true. The one thing we love more is watching those same child stars fade into obscurity or become drug addled criminals. Serves them right for trying to tear down our child labor laws! But not all child actors fade away. In fact, some remain on the path to success. Let’s catch up with some of our favorite child stars and see how they’re doing. As pampered stars they never had to worry about school, so now it’s finally time to get graded.
9. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
The Olsen Twins, no matter how famous they were, never quite became associated with quality cinema. Sure, To Grandmother’s House We Go seemed good when you were 7, but poor acting starts to become more apparent when delivered by grown women rather than toddlers. Because of that, the Olsens' current film career has flopped and they’re being forced to — gasp — act separately if they want work. However, despite their questionable acting abilities, they still maintain one of the biggest marketing empires around by filling Wal-Mart aisles with everything from sweatshop-fresh clothes to dolls of themselves (which quite possibly weigh more than they do). Thanks to the Olsen brand, they have become two of the wealthiest college dropouts ever. It's just too bad that Mary-Kate had to get involved in Heath Ledger’s death.
Grades: Mary Kate = Incomplete; Ashley = A-
8. Danielle Fishel
I know what you’re thinking: who? You probably know her better as Topanga, Cory Matthews's ever-enduring love interest on the seemingly endless Boy Meets World. To be honest, I think the actor that played Mr. Feeney still thinks he’s on the show. However, after the show (finally) ended, Topanga essentially dropped off the map. Of course, she popped up once in a while in movies ranking just barely above porn (for instance Dorm Daze), and TV shows that rank even lower (The Tyra Banks Show). However, now she is hosting her own show on E! called The Dish. If it were simply a show on E!, her ranking really wouldn’t go up much. But the fact that it’s the sister show to The Soup, with a focus on fashion rather than TV, makes it a lot better. Anything related to The Soup must be pretty good. You’re on the upswing, Topanga!
Grade: C-
7. Amanda Bynes
Bynes landed every child's dream job as a comic personality on Nickelodeon, first as a cast member on All That before starring on her own sketch comedy show. Was it painfully unfunny? Of course, but little kids also like the Jonas Brothers, so there’s no sense in trying to figure that out. Since then she has made her own niche in the movie industry by continuing the odd trend of updating classic pieces of literature into teen comedies. To date, Bynes has been in both Sydney White (based on Snow White) and She’s the Man (based on Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night). However, what has really made Bynes remarkable is that she is a young woman in Hollywood who has yet to be caught with cocaine in her pocket, get a DUI, or even make one measly sex tape.
Grade: B
6. Jessica Alba
Before becoming a perennial member of the Maxim "100 Hottest Women", Jessica Alba was a cute child star. Despite a starring role in the movie Camp Nowhere and the TV show The New Adventures of Flipper, she never managed to hone her craft. We all know Alba is a huge star now, so she scores a lot of points for that. However, the quality of the films she’s been in is downright shameful. Good Luck Chuck? The Eye? The Love Guru?? There’s no denying Alba’s success, but she really needs someone with taste to pick her scripts for her.
Grade: C+
5. Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan became a child star thanks to her redheaded adorability, but it was her actual acting ability that catapulted her to the frontline of this generation of actors. However, that lasted for all of two movies: Freaky Friday and Mean Girls. After that, it was all downhill. Rather than being famous for delivering lines, Lohan is now far better known for snorting them. Lohan has become an alcohol guzzling, crotch flashing, rehab attending, car crashing tabloid sideshow. And to top it all off, her movies are dreadful. Anybody that suffered through all of I Know Who Killed Me is well aware that no criticism of Lohan is too harsh.
Grade: D
4. Haley Joel Osment
I see dead careers. There, I got that joke out of the way early. But really, Haley Joel Osment is one of the greatest examples of a fast to fade child star. He hit it big with The Sixth Sense, becoming that rare breed of child star that is actually considered a good actor. However, as he crept towards his teenage years the curtains fell on Haley’s career. Not even Secondhand Lions or The Country Bears could salvage his sinking career.
Grade: D-
3. Macaulay Culkin
Macaulay Culkin is perhaps one of the most succesful child actors of all time. When Home Alone premiered, Culkin-mania spread across the entire nation. Paint cans swung from staircases and faces became red and raw from all the trademark double cheek Culkin slapping going on. But as he grew up, Culkin’s box office draw faded, along with his own interest in even being a star. He did, however, want all of the money that came along with it, which led to a nasty legal battle with his own parents over his earnings. After years away from Hollywood, he finally returned to make his name again, but this time on his own terms with riskier indie movies like Party Monster, Saved! and Sex and Breakfast. One of the perks of being obscenely rich: you don’t have to be in anything for the paycheck.
Grade: B
2. Drew Barrymore
When she burst onto the Hollywood scene in E.T., Drew Barrymore was one of the sweetest little girls around. However, after stealing the nation’s collective heart she stomped on it with a downward spiral that should make us all wish reality shows existed in the 80s. Not only did she become a drug addict and alcoholic before even becoming a teenager, she even went as far as to flash David Letterman live. On second thought — that was pretty cool. After all that, she still managed to avoid hard time in prison long enough to become a full-fledged movie star. We’ll even ignore that whole marrying Tom Green misstep.
Grade: A
1. Jonathan Lipnicki
Jerry Maguire is definitely one of the few watchable Tom Cruise movies, but in the case of little Lipnicki it turned out to be his only watchable movie. Sure, Stuart Little is fun if you want to watch a less grumpy version of Dr. House hang out with a mouse, but aside from that Lipnicki’s resume is blemished with the irreversible damage that is The Little Vampire and Like Mike. When you’re playing second fiddle to Lil Bow Wow you know you’re star is fading. Alas, poor Lipnicki is perhaps the most potent example of funny looks being embraced as adorable in an adolescent and dismissed as just plain ugly as the years roll on.
